I had my #abortion here and regret it every day

This is being republished off Project Defending Life’s Facebook Page:

I Had my Abortion here

2012 was a rough year. I was engaged at the beginning and a broken woman by the end.

My engagement didn’t last long, and I was left as a single mother to my son, Triston. I fell into depression for 5 months, developing anxiety on top of that. On Mother’s Day I started going to church, hoping that would fill the void I felt… but it didn’t.

July 14th, I met a guy who I thought was the answer to my prayers. He was tall with an amazing smile, and dimples. We hit it off the moment we met! I felt no need to keep anything a secret from him; he accepted me and all my baggage. He treated me the way my ex-fiancé never had- I felt beautiful, wanted, and happy.

A month into our relationship I found out I was pregnant; August 10th to be exact. When I called him to tell him, he told me to go over so we could talk. I had also told my mother and she said I should be ashamed of myself for being pregnant. My first thought when I saw the two blue lines was ‘I can’t have this baby! I have to get an abortion’, but that mentality would change in a matter of hours. As I sat on his couch that evening I asked what are we gonna do? He responded with what do you mean what are we gonna do? There’s nothing to do. I was filled with relief and shock; he had accepted it! This guy, who I really hardly knew, was manning up to the situation. He truly was an answer to my prayers… so I thought.

That night he walked me to my car and hugged and kissed me, telling me he was gonna love me because I was holding his child. Two days later he was telling me I needed to have an abortion. Everything changed from there.

It took me 5 appointments till I went through with the abortion. The first was missed. The second and third I cancelled. The fourth I was told to leave and look into adoption, because I wasn’t going to be allowed to do it that day, in the emotional state I was in. The fifth I hid all emotions, telling myself this is what I HAD to do. This baby wasn’t wanted by anyone but me at this point. My father had even said abortion was something we don’t do in our family, but it was the best choice for me. But why for me?

I wanted my baby’s father to stop me that 10th day in October. I wanted him to just say STOP… and he did… 13 minutes too late. I knew the choice I was making wasn’t what I wanted, but I also knew I wanted all the drama and pain I was feeling to go away. The truth is the pain was barely about to start!

I hated myself after that day. I felt guilty, selfish, and ashamed. I was angry and hateful. I kept telling myself I was a baby killer, and I started drinking heavily for two weeks straight, not even putting myself on bed rest as I was advised to do. I wanted nothing to do with my already born son. I became violent with my mother, because I blamed her for not being supportive. I felt as if I had left my heart at the clinic with my baby.

I finally realized I needed help when I slit my wrists, and went to jail. I was angry at everyone around me, for no reason at all, except for my own hate I had for myself. I reached out to CareNet and got into peer counseling. I started healing with another post-abortive woman and forgave myself, as well as those I felt were involved in my abortion. I started going to church again and asked God to guide me and help me fulfill the destiny he had set for me.

I pray every day to have a voice for The Unborn, and although I’m still going through counseling and trying to continue the healing process, God has already put a pro-life organization in my path. They want me to share my story; give my testimony!
So here I am, 3 months later, openly talking about my abortion. I’m not ashamed of what I have done, but nor am I proud. I wanted Charlie Rose. I went to my doctor appointments, I had my ultrasound, I did the genetic testing, and we had picked out names. What happened that day to make me go through with it, I’ll ask myself forever. But God has forgiven me, and He’s let me see my daughter. I can’t beat myself up for a choice I can’t change. When I’m hurting I cry to Him, for the Lord is our healer.

If I can save a Beautiful Life from being taken, I’ll tell my story a million times!
– Jessica Duran

3 Responses to “I had my #abortion here and regret it every day”

  1. I’m so very sorry, I cried reading every sentence almost as if I wrote this. Identical experience I regret today as its been years ago when my life forever changed. I want to thank you for sharing this blog and for being so brave to do so. I’m so very sorry but you were put on this earth to help other woman who are afraid or ashamed to have a voice. May you continue to be strong and continue your relationship with God. God bless you. Be well!

  2. There is so much wrong with this I don’t even know where to begin…
    “I met a guy who I thought was the answer to my prayers”
    A man is never the answers to your prayers. I hope you have gained and learned to keep and appreciate your own self worth. If you can’t appreciate all that you are on your own, how do you expect to recognize when someone else really and truly appreciates you just the way you are without asking you to sacrifice or compromise yourself for them.

    “My first thought when I saw the two blue lines was ‘I can’t have this baby! I have to get an abortion’,
    That reaction is the reaction of panic, and given your circumstances, it wasn’t unwarranted. Being a single parent to one child is already hard enough, being a single parent to two children can be financial suicide, and I don’t mean that money is more important than children. What I mean is that trying to make sure you have enough money to buy food and clothes for one child can mean going hungry for the parent, not being to afford Dr visits, central visits, childcare, and without reliable safe childcare is hard to get a job, furthering the problem of lack of money to provide.

    “As I sat on his couch that evening I asked, “what are we gonna do?” He responded with, “what do you mean what are we gonna do? There’s nothing to do.” This guy, who I really hardly knew, was manning up to the situation.”

    No, stop. I know what you think you heard but that is NOT what he said. “What do you mean we?” Meaning you’re the one that’s pregnant, you have all the power in choice. If you decide to abort, you’re the one who has to show up, and the procedure is being done on your body. If you decide to keep it that doesn’t mean I have to go through the pregnancy or birth, and it doesn’t mean I have to be involved. “We had unprotected sex, meaning we accepted the risk of you becoming pregnant, neither of us have room to complain about how this shouldn’t have happened. So you’re pregnant, can’t try to prevent that from happening now, the deed is done.”

    “The fourth I was told to leave and look into adoption, because I wasn’t going to be allowed to do it that day, in the emotional state I was in.”
    Something to know about abortion Clinics, if they feel the patient isn’t 100% confident in their decision, or may be being coerced into having an abortion, they will not perform it. Now, they won’t counsel you about your decision. What they call counseling is asking you repeatedly prior to the procedure is if you want to do this, and if they sense a lot of doubt or coercion, they refer you out to a therapist ((that’s not in their office)) so you can discuss and process your decision at length, and then reschedule your appointing when you’re ready.

    You needed a counselor, big time, and they were serious about you looking into adoption. As you said, the only person who wanted that baby was you, and that’s all that mattered. Do you not see how the only one who forced you into having an abortion was yourself, and to some extent the guy who knocked you up. Not once did the staff at the clinic push you into following through with your appointment, in fact they pushed you out of it and suggested not having the abortion, bit exploring other options.

    I’m sorry you regret your abortion, but the choice was yours to make, and you made it, note your have to live with it.

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